Happy New Year to all of you.
Sometimes, it seems a strange thing to celebrate.. an excuse to go to a party, make a lot of noise, get drunk..
Why do we celebrate New Year’s?
I think a reason is the celebration of still being alive. We humans, we have a survival instinct, and feel the need to keep on living, and to celebrate living.
If you are reading this, you made it through another year. Congratulations!
I mean it! I am not being sarcastic. It can be damn tough to be a human!
Looking ahead.. the days to come… the year… the decade..
Well, I didn’t spend anytime in the last blog reminiscing about the entire decade. I did that in my head last night and this morning while laying in bed. It’s a decade to put behind me.
I don’t want to look much into the past, or into the future. I will not stare intently into the crystal ball and wonder a lot about what will happen.
I am much more interested in things I have some control over.
My resolutions for this year…
One seems elusive, it escapes my mind, because it is so obvious. My goal, not only for 2010, but for all the days to come, is to eventually FEEL BETTER!!
I have been working alone on cognitive therapy. I don’t need a therapist.. just need the right books and my own insights, and to really do good things that will help me feel better.
That’s a broad goal, though.. here are the more specific ones I have in mind.
Guitar.. continue playing and not give up! I will keep making music on it, practice at least 4 times a week, usually more than that, and get better and enjoy it more and MAKE MUSIC !!
Guitar is my main instrument. I will also improve my voice, keep working on the whistles here and there, and play piano a little bit.
Art.. just get better at it and enjoy it some more. I still mostly intend to focus on drawing, but will perhaps attempt painting at some point in time.. maybe even try a painting style with ink, that might be cool. There is a drawing book I plan to read – a workbook to go with it is sold separately. Maybe I can find them packaged together. The book is called “Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain.” I ‘ve looked through it some. It may help. But, do I need a book to help me draw? No. I just need to do it.
Physical health.. I plan to get back into the gym and work out regularly. Also hope to work up the self-discipline to exercise some at home – pushups, yoga, etc.
I also want to try eating less meat. I work with animals and have felt worse and worse about eating animals. I might become a vegetarian. At the very least, I would like to buy meat from ranches where the animals are treated well, fed healthy food, and killed as humanely as possible. My goal is to eat less meat.
This is almost a spiritual thing.. hard to describe. I guess it is living better with nature. Factory farms and the global corporate meat industry are terribly rough on the Earth, and of course, rough on the animals.
I think I should make it a goal to learn to cook. Then I could eat healthier, and eventually perhaps eat vegetarian, and even some vegan meals. That’s a good goal.
Mental health..
Working on music, art, fitness and diet will certainly improve my mental health some.
What else can I do?
I would like to spend less time online. I’ve already cut down on this, but recently had been hung up on facebook, which was a drag. I still check my email too often during the day. It is good to be online if I am doing something. like writing this blog, working on myspace karaoke, writing or reading an email or researching something on occasion, but in the past I’ve spent waaaay too much time online. Facebook and youtube really aren’t that necessary to my daily existence. I need to focus on the important things. This will help my mind.
I can still try to learn how to meditate. I have a feeling some form of meditation will do me good.
What else?
Continue to help others. I am of course going to keep helping with my relatives, and my student, and might find other ways to help people along the way.
This part is important, too.. continue to try and think as clearly as possible, continue to get good information from books and other sources, and maybe switch to a different medication some day, one without as bad side effects.
Part of thinking clearer is not being so focused on women, wanting to have sex, a dating life, etc.
Sex? I can’t plan on that. I have been thinking about it a bit differently and more realistically lately. I think I need to be careful, and not hope for it so much, and not let my sex drive drive me crazy. If I have sex this year, I have sex, if I don’t, I don’t.
I need to work on other things. I want to work on other things.
Other goals.. continue to tutor, and get better at it. Continue to work with the animals and enjoy the work, and study birds some, and learn more and do better and enjoy more. And continue to be safe, of course.
Being social is not on my list really.. not important compared to the others. I still probably will try at least a little more to be social and get along well with people, but it is not the emphasis this year.
So..
Feeling good, becoming a better musician and singer, improving my art, physical fitness and mental state. Improving my being.
A key thing I need to keep in my mind that is not fun but is absolutely necessary is motion before emotion. I might not feel like eating better or going to the gym or playing the guitar, but I need to do it except on rare occasions when I need to rest my body and mind.
The other thing I need to keep in mind is patience.. eventually developing true patience.. with others, but especially with myself and my endeavors.
These are my resolutions for 2010 and in the years to come, however many I have left.
Onward and upward, friends, or, as they say in Latin..
Excelsior!
It’s gonna be a good year, damnit!!
I’m going to make it so.
May you have good goals, meet or exceed those goals, and be blessed this year as well. Thanks for reading.
It is 10:57 pm, just over an hour until the next decade begins.
I thought should write a little about the year. My first post was on 8/23/09. That was the first, this is the 63rd.
I have gone through a terrible lot. That is an understatement. All me years have been bad, some worse than others. The only exceptions.. 3rd and 4th grade years of school, and the second half of 2006, when I got out of the hospital and my mind was better that it had been since I was a child. That didn’t last, of course, but I have survived.
I have survived 2009. I have survived extraordinary anxiety problems, dealing with soul-wrenching questions, and much hopelessness. I am still here.
My resolutions for 2009.. well, the main one was to be more social. I haven’t had friends in so long, many years, and spend most of my time in my room. I don’t mind spending most of my leisure time here, but last year, I felt the need to attempt to be social, and of course, get laid, if possible.
I did not get laid this year, but I did make sincere attempts to be social.
In January or February, I found a website for local clubs and groups. It’s called meetups.org, or is it .com?
Anyway.. after reading about the different groups for awhile, I decided to join a drum circle – it wasn’t political or dangerous, and I’d been interested in hand percussion, so I joined the group.
It was led by a guy who looks more like a cartoon character than a human being. Some of you may have read “The Adventures of Tintin,” a graphic novel series for children that adults like as well. This guy who ran the drum circle looked like a somewhat crazed and drunken Tinntin – big boy haircut, cartoonish appearance, slightly bulging eyes and odd voice.
The drum circle was fun for awhile, and I was so depressed, anxious, messed up and often in physical pain due to the tinnitus, that this was the only thing I had to look forward to. I hung out with that guy for awhile, before he really pissed me off. I also spent time with a middle-aged, somewhat eccentric woman – not someone I wanted to sleep with but she and I got along pretty well for awhile.
This woman was really into Rennaisance faires, and I had high hopes of getting involved with the faire too, joining a guild, etc – can’t think of a better place to try and get laid then a Renaissance faire.
I never made it to the faire though and had a falling out with that woman. She turned out to be.. kinda crazy in some ways. She kept saying she was a surrogate mother to lots of people and tried that with me. I said I wanted to be just friends. She didn’t know how to take that. I did not want to be smothered by her. Put an “s” in front of “mother” and you get smother.
I also stopped hanging out with her, because at a time in the summer when my anxiety was in a terrible state, she stopped answering my emails, even though I didn’t write often. I lost faith in her because of this.. the time was approaching when she was supposed to sew my costume as she’d said.
No replies, no replies. I got fed up. I stopped contact. She still has 50 bucks worth of my fabric, oh well.
The drum circle guy turned out to really be a nut – treated his Japanese wife poorly, hit his dog a lot, hard, and was unpleasant to be around. Very rude. I won’t go into details.
I have had a LONG history of people disappointing me and rejecting me, or me needing to reject them because of poor treatment. It has gotten to be terribly discouraging, and added to my already nervous personality.
I am VERY glad to be free of those people.
More on my attempts to be social a bit later on…
School has also been miserable for me, but I persevered during the spring semester and completed a class that will help someday when I try to transfer to a 4 year college. I did not like the computer class, but got an A.
I completed a music appreciation class in the summer. I have dreamed of majoring in music. The music appreciation teacher was a realist, however, and told me that music majors tend to have been playing at least one instrument for an average of at least 10 years before entering college and becoming music majors.. ok. I’d been trying to play the guitar off and on for longer than that, but without success. Right then… more on guitars a bit later.
The fall semester really sucked. One class was called “Introduction to Agriculture Careers,” a class in which agriculture careers were NOT discussed. It turned out to be false advertising and a different class entirely, so I dropped it. Theater workshop class was not a class really either, with almost no training and badly unorganized staff, and not worth it at all – and so I dropped that class.
I walked through campus on what was to be my last trip to campus this semester. It was a beautiful day, lots of students on the quad, and I felt so horrible and alienated. No women, no friends, lots of trouble with disabilites. It was heart-rending. I decided not to return. All semesters there in the past years have been unpleasant.. seeing so many hot women, but none showing up in my classes that I could talk to..
.. but, I still might go again anyway.. perseverance or stupidity.. are they one in the same at times?
.. Sex, no.. I did not get laid.. not even very close. The only sexual contact I had was this month, at a party on the 11th. I briefly cuddled up a few times with a smokin’ hot married woman, and stroked her breast with my fingertips for a short time, that was it. My conscience and mental state were adversely affected by that contact, and I feel the need to avoid married women, and likely women and boyfriends, in the future.
Now.. more on being social. Last month, I joined an art club which so far has had 2 meetings and very few members. One of the middle-aged women who arrived turned out to be a woman from the drum circle. She heads one of the largest social groups on that meetups site in the area, and was somewhat flirtatious with me, so I joined.
I’ve been to a few events, including that party. I’ve done some cardio classes, and one other party and one book discussion meeting.
It has not been easy for me. The people are nice, but the three women I’ve been interested in – 2 married and one with a boyfriend.
The sexual frustration eats me up!! !! !!
But, oh well..
Tonight, I am here at home, instead of at a New Year’s Eve party members of that group and another (some are in both groups) are attending. I felt beyond anxious about being at the same place for many hours.. noisy and crowded and no thank you and don’t need the frustration.
What will become of my attempts to be social? I can plan on more frustration for sure.. not sure what else though. I will attend a few more meetups, perhaps, anyway.
—
Even though this year was almost entirely ghastly and horrid and miserable and psychologically life-threatening, I did accomplish some important things! First of all, I at least attempted to be social. I tried and tried with 2 different groups and the people I met in those groups, so at least I made an effort.
But, these other things are much more important than that. I went through a period of type trying desperately to find a religion. I studied Buddhism, mostly, but paganism as well. I wrote many blogs on the subject of spirituality, you can read them if you like.
I came to the not-exactly-surprising conclusion that I am not religious. I learned enough about Buddhism and paganism to determine that I am not either. I am still influenced by Buddhism, but will probably not ever become Buddhist. I also wrestled with Catholicism a little, but this did not last long at all. I’ve discussed Christianity in many previous blogs as well.
Religions have too many things that are hard to believe — I find this is true of all of them. Most of them have at least a few good teachings, but these teachings are combined with a lot of what to me is nonsense and insanity. I can’t swallow all that. Buddhism is more flexible.. but still, most Buddhists believe in certain things that I am iffy on at best – like reincarnation, for example.
I got through that phase, and I feel that it was very important to do so.
I also made the choice to do productive things even if I feel really bad most of the time. I went back to work at the wildlife center (see other blogs) and recently became a tutor. It is hard going at times, but I am going to stick with both volunteer vocations for as long as I feel it is right to do so.
And, I helped my relatives. My dad is in very poor health, and has been for awhile, and has been disabled for over 2o years. I still help drive him around to various places and take him out to do things. I also have been helping around the house and doing yard work, and assisting my mother and aunt and grandma when needed. It makes a difference.
My life has counted for something this year. Life on this planet is a little better because I stayed alive. Each of us who does positive, helpful things makes life better for everyone else, and I guess, in some way, better for ourselves too.
Another important thing.. I somehow got passed a strong prejudice against Mexicans. It didn’t take much work, it was just a realization that parts of this country used to be part of Mexico, and parts of it are becoming more like Mexico because there are more and more Mexicans in these areas. I am not saying I am for illegal immigration. I am saying I am not upset and very angry about it anymore. I feel better regarding Mexicans.
I never took out my prejudice on anyone, just stewed about it. Prejudice is a self-destructive thing and I don’t need it.
Art.. I haven’t done much art at all this year, but have drawn a few really cool pictures, and am slowly and laboriously getting back into drawing. I am good at it, and should do it of course, but it has been very difficult to try and get myself to do certain things that are helpful. It is so much easier to put on a movie or grab a novel. I have enough time at home to do productive things and read and watch movies, but still.. need to work on this. The point is, I got started!
Music.. because of my increasing problems with tinnitus, I haven’t practiced the whistles much at all. Even played well, they are very shrill in the higher notes. I am talking about pennywhistle and low whistle, which is an octave lower than the standard pennywhistle.
It was because of my tinnitus that I put away the whistles for awhile, and, needing to play something, I picked up my aunt’s classical guitar. I’ve been fighting with guitars since 1989 – it’s been an anxiety-ridden, nerve-wracking experience.
Until this Thanksgiving.
While over at my aunt’s, waiting around, I picked up her classical guitar. I had already tried several times using her steel string acoustic, but due to being poorly made, was more painful and difficult to play than most guitars of that type. I’d had enough with guitars anyway, so I thought.
But this classical guitar, which is a Gibson classical (although it is an old Gibson, it is still worth very little.. monetarily) made in 1969, which my aunt bought before I was born, turns out to be the right guitar for me! And it was there all the time. I even put a hole through the side of it many years ago by mistake.
Yes, it’s beat up and doesn’t have the best action.. but the tone! The ease of playing! Classical guitars are much easier on the fingers, and they sound nice! This one does, anyway.
I got started on the guitar, and mostly, I’ve enjoyed practicing this past month. I play it almost every night! I’m finally learning the basics better, and even making up some really nice music!
I will continue to do that!
Alright then..
2009 will disappear in approximately 9 minutes, so I will soon put the TV on and watch the year go.
Favorite memories of this year? I am not going to bother with that.
It is what I attempted, and especially, what I accomplished that is important.
So.. I will stop this blog here, be done with this year, and write the next blog in a few minutes.
Goodbye
to
2009 !! !!
It’s a surreal experience working so closely with hawks. Some of them are in our critical care room in small cages so they don’t move around much. I put on the kevlar-reinforced thick suede leather gloves that not only cover my hands but my forearms. I unlock the little cage door and reach in and grab the bird’s legs just above its feet so as not to get taloned. They mostly don’t try to squeeze hard enough to get through the gloves, but I’m told they are able to.
I bring the hawk (red tail hawks – big ones) into the treatment room, where I’ve laid a towel on the examination table. I put the hawk on its back with wings tucked in on the towel. The proper way to wrap the bird is to hold its legs gently but firmly straight down and wrap the towel snugly around it. I’m then able to hold it with one hand without a glove and put arm around it with it facing away from me.
I sit down and begin feeding. Today, one red tail ate chopped up mouse, and another I fed bits of raw chicken breast.
I feed the hawks by trying my best to get my fingers into their mouths on the sides of their beaks. They bite hardest at the tip of the beak where it is sharp. That hurts more, but even on the side of the mouth they can squeeze pretty hard. Hawks have an airhole in their tongues. I forget the scientific term for it, but it’s important not to keep food over that hole, because they need to breathe. It is especially important not to let any bits of food go down that hole.
I hand-feed these hawks because they are not able to do it for themselves. Most of the red tail hawks and other raptors brought in these days have been hit by cars, and are suffering from head trauma. They can recover from this if the impact wasn’t too bad, but are not as fully conscious and alert as they’d otherwise be so need to be hand-fed.
With my left hand, I am holding the bird, and have to do all the feeding with my right hand. With one finger and thumb I open the beak, and hold the bits of meat with the other fingers. Then, once I have the beak open, I have to maneuver the food into the bird’s mouth, then stick a finger down its throat somewhat to make sure it swallows.
Some are able to swallow more than others. The first red tail I fed today is a full-grown female. She would hardly swallow at all, but I didn’t have much trouble getting her beak open. The other one I do not know the gender of, but it was not quite full-grown and had a shorter beak. This one swallowed well, but I had more difficulty getting it to open its beak. I didn’t have to cram the chicken breast pieces too far down its throat.
One of these days, I’ll bring a camera. It will certainly make a strange picture. Me, sitting on a stool, and holding in one are a bundled towel with a hawk’s head sticking out. It is an unusual experience feeding these birds! Not many people can say they’ve had their fingers down the throat of a hawk or owl.
I haven’t hand fed an owl in several months. We have been getting less owls brought into the center lately. My supervisor says right now it is red tail hawk season. I expect to see more of these birds, and the occasional owl.
In the critical care room, besides the hawks, there is a barn owl with head trauma, and a screech owl with an injury that I do not know of. It is not for me to know all the details. That is up to my supervisors. I know what I need to know.
Also, there is a raccoon, a domestic duck (called a peking duck) and an oppossum. It is usually interesting being in that room. There was a red shoulder hawk in there, but that one got better enough to be moved to a larger outside cage, so it can fly some.
Next Tuesday, I am scheduled to release our largest wild red tail. I have to catch it with a big net, which should be interesting. Lots of room in our flight cage for the bird to evade me, and I hope I snag it before it really gets pissed off and swoops at me. I should be ok. I’ll be taking it out of the net and putting it on its back in a cardboard pet carrier box, secured (hopefully!) with clothes pins. I’ll then drive it out to the country outside a small town at least a half hour’s drive away.
Once, a hawk I had loaded into my car tried to break out of its box. It almost got out too. I am glad it did this before I drove off! A big red tail hawk loose in a small car – I drive a mustang – that would be a terrible thing! I was able to cram some towels in the hole and use more clothes pins, and secured the box enough to be safe to drive. I had two other hawks in boxes on the tiny back seat of the car. That was interesting! I wish someone was there to video my releasing the birds. Tuesday should be an interesting day. The opportunity to release the birds is rare, so even though I’ll be burning a lot of gas, it will be worth it. I just hope I will not have any difficulties with the bird. It is one of the largest hawks I have ever seen!
I’m not sure when I will do more hand-feeding – probably this Sunday, which is the day of my next shift. Maybe I’ll remember to bring a camera on Sunday. I hope these birds I fed today, and all the others without permanent injuries will heal up nicely and be returned to nature. That is our goal.
I’m thirsty, tired of just drinking water, want beer but messes up my sleep.
Trying to keep my head together. Seems everytime I try to be social I go more nuts, this is a cure for loneliness, at least.
Strange, a woman I flirted with in a .. rather friendly manner… she got under my skin some..I don’t mean in the sense that she annoyed me, what I mean by that is I’ve have serious difficulty not thinking about her. I’m 37 years old. I thought I was far past the infatuation point.
But, she was the sexiest woman I’ve ever touched.
And married, and not overly bright, probably kind of wild, clearly likes men. I don’t want to be a number, I want to be a name. With her, even if I got to sleep with her, I think I would be a number.
I haven’t seen her since the party on the 11th. Which is a good thing.
Caught a break today..been worried sick about the new year’s eve party coming up.. but she rsvp’d no.. so, I won’t have to struggle to resist her. She can be really warm and .. enjoyable when she’s been drinking.
So, goodbye to her.. I don’t want any woman stuck in my head like this.. VERY uncomfortable.
The rational part of my brain knows so many things that whatever part of me that feels things inside doesn’t agree with or go along with.
I am dealing with all this angst and at the same time half-hoping to not be on any medication.
I’ve only been on one for years now.. see earlier posts regarding my medical history for many thoughts and info on various psyche meds.
I talked with my brother recently. I told him about a conclusion I’d just come to – that my life would have been SOOOO much better if I hadn’t gone on any meds at all.
Meds work for some people, I suppose. I’ve met many who need them and do fairly well on them. But for me, almost always worse.
Klonopin, the one I’ve been on for over 2 years – very bad one. A sedative – highly addictive, awful.
Dumb doctors, I have had lately.
Ringing in ears, feeling I can’t describe.. freaked out, desperate to sleep, but knowing that sleep only brings relief for a little while.
Wondering when I’ll die. Might be a loooooong time yet. I could be an old man.
Not wanting to write blogs full of self-pity. Does it really get me anywhere? I feel a little better as I write and after I write.
I have decided that I will not let my illness stop me from doing some things. I may feel awful in ways I can’t even describe, but I can still make an effort.
I can still work with the animals and do fairly well – helping the animals as best I can.
I can still try to be a good tutor. I’ve been tutoring a Mexican guy for several weeks now.
I can be a sell-out.
I have long been for stronger immigration policies. Now, I am tutoring a guy with a Mexican ID card, even though he says he’s lived here for 19 years. He’s probably an illegal, and he and his wife and kids have probably been getting healthcare from our government.
And, here I am helping him learn English better. He’s probably doing a job that might otherwise be had by a legal resident or citizen.
I feel a little sick about it.
But, I felt MUCH worse about being prejudiced toward Mexicans. I never acted on my prejudice, just stewed in my own juices. I don’t need to feel that way, and don’t want to.
There’s an old saying “You can either be right, or be happy.” I would prefer to be both, but maybe there is some truth in that saying.
I am not a true altruist. I don’t care that much about this guy. I am volunteer-tutoring while I am on disability so I later have something to put on a resume. If (when!) I go off permanent disability and look for work, I will have something to write down. I will hopefully have reference letters. I will have a work history in 2 fields – animal care and teaching ESL. This is my plan.
So, I sit here.
Tonight.
Haven’t practiced the guitar yet, but been faithful to myself and to the instrument – playing almost every night for over a week. I’ll likely play a little before bed, although sometimes my mind gets woken up more than I want to when I play late at night. But I made a commitment. I want to stick to it.
The party..
I guess I will go.
I get anxious in loud places with lots of people. The party with be in a decent restaurant here in town. I cannot really afford decent restaurants. I can afford it this once, I suppose.
I am going first for dinner, dancing and so forth to follow afterward. I anticipate being there at least 5 hours, and this kind of freaks me out, but, perhaps slightly masochisticly, I want to try it anyway. It might actually be somewhat fun.
I was planning on showing up later. But later there is a cover charge of $15 just to get in. I’d rather get there earlier, pay $20 dollars for a meal – at least I am getting something for my money. Asking $15 of people just so they can come in and party with their friends and dance to a DJ’s music. That’s obscene! I suppose, to most of their customers, 15 bucks does not sound unreasonable, but it does to me.
I’m hung up on facebook and feel pretty stupid about it. Really stupid, actually. It’s ok to spend a bit of time each day on there, but not hours, not for me, tracking the lives of people I barely know. I have more important things to do. Some of the people .. why am I reading about them. If you are reading this blog, and I am interacting on facebook, you matter to me, but then you know that already. Some keeping track of and interacting with is good, but not so much.
Still, I’m not one of those people who spends 8 hours or more a day on there, and has 3,000 friends who I’ve never met in person. That’s something.
It’s a strange disorder. Intense loneliness, near constant horniness, and a fear of people, not that they will do anything (other than reject me) but just being around people. And the depression.
I don’t understand it. I feel depressed sometimes when I turn on women. It’s like the chemicals in my brain.. some of them do the backwards, the opposite. I should feel entirely AWESOME and instead feel depressed, anxious, and even impotent, sometimes.
But, it has been sooooo long since any sexual contact, and the stroking of that woman’s breast at the party on the 11th didn’t exactly help.
Perhaps at the coming party, I should just hang back.
I really don’t want to go that much.. being so anxious and all, and worried about money.
But, I need to make contact.
Perhaps I am not under a ghastly and dreadful curse. Perhaps there really is no such thing as bad karma from a past life, or any karma. Maybe all this misfortune has been..
.. a fluke?
There will be some single women at the party.
One is a girl I almost dated (and wanted to) back in the 90’s. We were friends for approx. 2 years. She is in both the social groups that are combining for this party, so I said hello to her on facebook.
Seems she totally forgot who I was.
Ok.
She will be there. I’m not in a huge hurry to see her. I don’t like talking about past years.
I don’t tell people I am on disability. I don’t mention having disabilities. I don’t like to mention that I still live with parents.
She doesn’t matter anyway. I jogged her memory a bit.. she asked to be reminded of how we knew each other. My promptings called up a few vague memories in her mind. I hope she does not ask to be told what I remember. No thank you. Don’t remember me? It’s your own damn fault. Be stuck with your lack of memories, then.
There will be others.
There is one woman.. somewhat older than me, apparently, but nice figure. I said hello to her on facebook a little while ago – an older woman could be fun to bed, maybe. Considering she is likely to have MUCH more experience than me, I should say I am the one to be bedded.
I’ve not met this woman in person. Checked out her facebook stuff. She has a photo study – a naughty one.. a generic barbie doll toy sitting on a store shelf in front of KY jelly and condoms, some shots with her plastic beau. Wow.
I don’t know if this woman is married or not. Does it matter?
Some other women there, 2 I have met that are single, one of them seems rather boring, the other, a bit heavy for my taste, not seemingly very exciting either.
A skinny younger one.. hung out with her a bit, flirting a bit (can I come up with a better word than flirting.. what are synonyms for this word?) The dictionary says flirting is for amuzement rather than serious intentions, but I don’t think that is entirely correct, unless the goal – casual sex, is also for amuzement. I would say it’s a serious intention.
What about having a girlfriend?
I try not to think about that. Makes me sick. Too hopeless, so it seems. Hurts to think about. Brings up terrible thoughts of past relationship. That, I vow will be the worst one ever. Anything after that, which ended years ago, will be BETTER. It’s a simple fact.
Relationships have their own peril.
I still consider my sex drive to be a heinous curse, thus far.
The need for romantic expression? The same.
These have led to pain.
I must own my lust, though. Must eventually do something about it, even though very reluctant to do so.
Must eventually do something.
Must hope (that dirty four-letter word, hope) to do something, to be somewhat better.
Don’t want to be laying in my bed, doing nothing but re-watching my favorite movies over again, and re-reading my favorite books, otherwise just hurting.
I want to someday write a happy blog. I want to sit down, and realize that most of the things I am happy about would be too graphic to write about, too personal.
That would be good.
I fear, but fear far less about the party, and will find sleep easier tonight.
I hope I shall be able to, like last night, go to sleep without any more medication.
I could throw all the meds down the toilent, but not quite ready to do that.
Tonight I will stay alive. I will eat some banana bread if there is any left, or pumpkin bread. I will drink South-African Honeybush herb tea, and try not to worry too much about that herb being filled with phyto-estrogens.
I will try not to worry about social embarrassment or STD’s or panic or boredom.
I will begin a strange novel I’ve not tried to read yet (at least, don’t think I have).
I might play the guitar, I might not.
Eventually.
I will sleep.
I will have better things to write about.
so how do I not be a basketcase?!!
The only answer I have, or answers, take time.
One of the roots of my troubles is not having sex, being too screwed up to get sex from any women I want, not being able to enjoy (or much enjoy) the sexual activities I experience so rarely.
How do I get women.. sex, etc.? Well..
I don’t know how things are going to turn out with the women I’ve already met in this group. I am trying NOT to be smitten and utterly in LUST with one of them. The others I am not nearly so troubled by. Perhaps there are other women in the group I might .. get to know.
I feel like such a child in an adult world.. broke, with parents, no good job, and no sex. I’ve had sex exactly ONCE!! It was not a good experience! It was in July of ‘07! The time it took to get my not-so-far-exactly-needed-but-nevertheless-extraordinarily-painful vasectomy was longer than the time I spent inside this woefully dull and joy-killing woman. Lost my virginity at age 34, and after all that waiting, that’s how it was. Yay.
Ok, one thing I could do is try not to feel sorry for myself, even though the height of the mountain of shit I’ve had to climb just to survive and remain breathing is so tall it dwarfs Mt. Everest.
But, so be it.
Ok.. besides that part, what else? (and why am I typing in italics? cuz I’m really freakin’ out!!! and, because it looks a little different. so why not.)
Ok, musicians get women. Even though I am not a good musician as yet, I already have been able to tell that I can get women off by playing what little music I know how to play.
Trouble is.. I need to be a LOT better musician.. just to know what I’m doing, play with other people, or play solo performances, get gigs, get my tunes and myself out there..
I have been practicing almost every night.. several instruments. I even got my saxophone out of the storage closet. The saxophone that I do not know how to play, almost never attempt playing, cannot afford lessons, and yet, I can still make some interesting music with for a little while.
I had been avoiding the sax because, not only not being able to afford lessons, but dealing with tinnitus.. Which, has been caused by stress, mostly by women all around but no sex stress. Still, I pulled out the sax, played it awhile, as best I could.. and it didn’t irritate my tinnitus, that came later, as thoughts of.. well.. anyway..
Whistles.. been practicing those.. still have tinnitus, but try to practice the whistles anyway.
Guitar – been borrowing my aunt’s Gibson classical guitar for several weeks now. It was made in 1969, but is not worth much at all, even if it were in pristine condition. I put a hole through it though, many years ago, thus GREATLY diminishing it’s value, but then, it turns out it ain’t worth much monetarily anyway.
It is worth a lot to me.
Playing it does not hurt my fingers, or at least, does not hurt my finger tips. My fingers and hand get sore when I play barre chords because of the stretch.. but that’s alright.
This guitar doesn’t have the best action – height of the strings over the fretboard – the closer the strings above the fretboard, the better the action. But, it is tolerable, especially since it is a classical guitar, with psuedo-nylon strings, instead of the more painful to play steel strings that are on the non-classical type acoustic guitars.
The sound is real mellow too.. fairly soothing, which is good. My tinnitus is not irritated by this instrument, unless I am really stressing over trying to play well, which is mostly not the case.
But overall, I am going crazy, stressing terribly over the need to learn music.
I am 37 years old! I need women! Sooo much time has passed! I am a beginner with SOOO much to learn! I am sitting here typing this blog instead of practicing!
But, in time, I think I will succeed, because I must.
I DO believe that, once I have learned the basics, I will be an excellent, innovative musician. I have the creativity. I have the talent. I need the patience and putting in the time – to learn theory (got some great iPod touch apps to help) and to learn multiple instruments, and improve my voice. I CAN do this.
I just might endure many many more absolutely horribly nuerotically painful days full of mental anguish and bad bad case of blue balls (strangely since the operation the pain is concentrated in the right testicle, don’t know why.. but I’m sure that was something you were really wanting to know. Women love reading about guys’ balls. Seriously though.. women do wonder about our parts, and what it is like to have frank and beans flopping around and so forth)
Right. so I can work on music. Good. Do I have huge dreams of making it big and famous and earning a great living doing music? No, I don’t. I’d be happy, ecstatic really, just learning it, being able to understand theory, to compose my own tunes, sing well, play multiple instruments, jam with people, and get a few gigs here and there. (and get laid).
I need to find a way to make a decent living and get the fuck off disability..
I am very slowly starting to work on that as well. I have become an ESL tutor.. only one student so far, but I am learning by doing and gaining skills.
I will soon, hopefully, if I get myself to, study Spanish, which will help… And maybe, some day, become an ESL teacher.
Or, I could work on my art, or writing, or
.. maybe I should have killed myself along time ago, and maybe I am totally fooling myself about success, sex, hope, a brighter future learning music, etc.
But, again, I am against suicide, so, must press on.
I have learned that if I don’t work at life, it will stay as it is.
So, before I go to bed, alone, as usual, I will practice the guitar, I will work on some music theory flash cards or the iPod app.
Tomorrow, my plan is to go to the gym, (and go regularly), play guitar and whistle, maybe play the keyboard a little, study a little theory, tutor the Mexican guy, and perhaps even work on a little Spanish.
It is so damn hard not to get freaked out about lost time and immense need. Music, art, foreign languages, writing.. all these things require calm, patience, and time to learn, they cannot cannot CANNOT be learned completely in a few days.
I am manic, agitated, beyond horny, messed up in the head, but will have to succeed anyway.
All those great success stories that get turned into shmaltzy, and sometimes, even occasionally inspiring movies or books, are all about people who overcame seemingly insurmountable odds to succeed.
That’s gonna have to be me. Maybe ten years from now, you’ll be flipping through channels, and find the movie about the crazy neurotic lunatic brother basketcase guy, who is no longer brother basketcase, but who is a brilliant musician, performer, composer, artist, writer, teacher, and.. of course.. lover.
And I’ll still be alive, doing my thing, and amazingly happy, all those years from now, when you are watching the movie.
So be it.
..that’s me..
THIS IS A SEXUALLY GRAPHIC BLOG. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!! (why the hell you readin’ this anyway??) (to be honest, it isn’t very sexually graphic compared to most content you might find on the internet. this blog would probably just get a PG-13 rating, but it is more graphic than most of my postings.
New levels of craziness that I will try to put into words, but certainly not able to do so entirely. i think my life would be better if I found some pleasing intoxicants – ones that don’t have too many side effects – no bad ones in the long term, and ones i can afford.
right then, my last post was Sunday, December 6th..
got involved with a social group here in town – found it on a cool website for various clubs.. this one is a good group – cardio classes and parties and other stuff to do.. nice people..
went to a cardio class several times this December and one party earlier this month.. wrote a little about the cardio class in “married women pt. 2″ – a previous blog.. I went to a social mixer before that, in late November.
The woman who leads the cardio group.. as I mentioned before, she is a hot married mexican woman, and up ’til December 11th, even though I noticed she was hot, I was not attracted to her, and didn’t want to be, don’t need the stress. She has quite large breasts, but is in good shape, not hugely big boned, and I actually believe her breasts are real.
While she was gyrating in all that in her workout wear, I was not aroused – didn’t want to be.. she looked.. top heavy with those big boobs, and damnit, sometimes I want to rebel against really good looking women and NOT be attracted to them. I was succeeding for awhile..
Until the party on the night of the 11th, when something strange happened.. no sorry, this blog isn’t that exciting. We did not have sex, believe me, I am REALLY sorry to report that we did not have sex, or at least I think I am really sorry..
I was not drunk – don’t get drunk, just buzzing a little. Nervous really, shattered nerves like usual, on the way to the party, almost turned back.. just too nervous and a basket case due to not having even touched a woman in over 2 FUCKING YEARS!!! (or rather non-fucking years.. ;.(
So I show up, and am nervous around people and gone gone mentally wacko woo-woo due to so much angst building up .. if you’ve read some of my other blogs, you already know.. but anyway..
Some of us headed into a room to do karoake. The karoake part turned out to be a bust – just a boombox with some american-idol type cd’s not exactly a superb sound selection, but we hung out there in that room for a little while anyway.
I sat down on the couch next to a woman I’d never seen before. She was kinda cute, but too skinny and obviously very shy. Another skinny girl – this one I am somewhat attracted to and met previously.. was nearby. I met her at the first party I went to. She is not married, but has a boyfriend, of course. Noticing a pattern here? The desirable women I’ve met so far in this group – not available.. !!!
!!! !!!
or at least officially not available.
After I met her at the first party, this girl sent me a nice email saying she was glad to meet me at the party, etc. nothing suggestive, but a nice gesture.
She was sitting at the edge of the couch and I made a motion to have her sit by me. She said something like, “no, I’m good,” then, a few seconds later hopped down next to me, closer than she had to since there was room on couch for her, and she didn’t need to sit close up next to be, but she did, and that was good, although I still felt too nervous to enjoy her proximity much.
We got up, some of us, milled around the different rooms, came back in the karaoke room, and there was just enough room on the couch to sit next to..
..the hot married cardio instructor woman, who looked a LOT hotter at the party.
There was barely enough room for me to sit next to her, which meant I’d be sitting quite close to her, which I did.
I was happy. She was happy. She was evidently not entirely sober… but happy with my presence.
We moved out to a more open spot to do some dancing and then when she sat down, I’d sit down with her real cozy like. She always seemed happy with this, and on the third time I sat real cozy-like next to her, I put my arm around her a bit, and she leaned way into me and I found myself with a few fingers stroking her breast and we stayed like that for a little while before getting up and dancing with the others again.
This was a SHOCK to me.
Wow! When I touched her, it was like a light went on inside me – it was like a visual experience. Almost as though my hand were a camera and I could see her breast there as I stroked her very gently, and a light came on inside me, how else can I describe it?
I’ve touched many women’s tits, but never had quite that reaction. No standing at attention though.. a problem I often have due to nerves, but walking around at a party with a noticeable stiffy.. not the smartest idea, but maybe I should try it.. not then though.. nerves so shot for years and years.. but still enjoyed the experience.
Before she left (she called her husband to pick her up, considering she was not exactly safe to drive – by the way, she and her husband live in different houses.. odd. She lives in a modest house in a town nearby, and her husband, she says, lives in a house 3 times bigger, in the same town I live in)..
Before she left, we gave each other a hug and she kissed me on the side of my neck near my cheek and made a very pleasing turned-on sound, and then walked out.
I left shortly thereafter. I was safe to drive, not having had much liquor.. alcohol just doesn’t agree with me much, which, sometimes I think, is really too bad.
I haven’t seen her since, and shockingly, have found myself quite smitten with her. I’ve NEVER had that reaction after flirting with a woman or going farther than flirting.. not like this..
It’s a loathsome feeling really.
She’s the hottest woman I’ve ever touched, that’s certain, and combine that with my usual neurosis, and yeah, not fun.
Yeah, I mentioned she’s married… but on facebook she talks about dating, and cruising a dating website.. so she’s looking..
But this woman could pretty much get any guy she wants to, married or not. She is 41, beyond sexy, and has a friendly, semi-goofy down to earth personality, and
I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL SMITTEN!! I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE THIS WOMAN IN MY HEAD AND THESE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!
And, of course, I brought this on myself. If I’d had a bit more morals, and said to myself “AVOID MARRIED WOMEN!!” I would probably not be having this problem.. but maybe, eventually, if as time passed, even if I hadn’t touched her on the 11th, I would have found myself in this condition.
I don’t need this I don’t need this I don’t need this.
My trouble… besides being semi-nuts, I am poor, on permanent disability (I have told no one in the group about this, at least) I live with my parents, I have very troubling mental health issues – mostly ghastly, chronic, life-impairing anxiety, and live with my parents. My anxiety and depression, which really slams me sometimes, prevents me from enjoying sexual pleasure much.. most times I’ve had the exceedingly rare opportunity to do something with a woman, I’ve not been able to enjoy it much, if at all, due to brain burnout, which causes impotency.. so why bother.
And.. I’m 6′3″ and weigh 190. Height attracts women, so I’ve heard – it’s a scientific fact – height is a sign of high testosterone. The trouble being my size is that … a certain part of me is not my size… not nearly. When it’s up, it’s.. ok… were I a smaller man, over all.
Some women say size doesn’t matter. I do not know if those women are liars. I suppose it depends on the woman, or, more specifically, the size of the vagina of the woman.
I am very good at turning women on with my hands and mouth, although I don’t like to take my mouth down south. I’ve only done that once, and.. yucky.. maybe another woman would taste a little better, but I doubt it.
It amazes me that women give head, and some even like it!! Wow, sign me up with those women!!
So yeah, add my dimunitive dick size to my list of insecurites. I am Woody Allen, only taller, not Jewish, with far less hair, and without the wealth and success with women that guy has, which has always astounded me. I’m also funny in person, but not funny enough or rich enough to get any hot babes into bed.
So, here I am, met some women, but still feeling really really really really .. (ad infinitum) shitty.
This past Friday, I was feeling more awful than usual, even worse than now.
At 9:15 that night, an email dropped in. It was from the skinny but cute girl who sat by me on the couch, and who, after the party on the 11th, has started two facebook chats with me, and sent me a few emails.. again, nothing flirty, but still showing interest.
On Friday night, I get an email from her saying she would like me to join her and..
.. the woman who’s the hot cardio instructor..
on an outing to a mansion in town .. a candlelight tour of it. The candlelight tour is offered each Christmas season to anyone who shows up.
Yep, it quite likely would have been me and these 2 hot, but spoken for mexican ladies. Wow.
The email came too late, and I felt awful that night regardless..
And so.. my life continues to be shockingly fucked up in its own way.
Yes, I am glad I am not homeless. Yes, I am glad I am not a paraplegic stuck in a wheel chair. Yes, it seems I do have some mojo working. Yes, I can act confident, flirty, friendly, funny, and just unusual enough to attract these women,
.. but still,
I remain,
yours truly,
Brother Basketcase.
Amen.
There is a series of books called “The Ladies’ No. 1 Detective Agency” by Alexander McCall Smith. He is a white Scottish (or English..) man. This series is set in Botswana, which is just north of South Africa. It is a much more stable country than most African nations we are used to seeing on the news. The main character is a lady detective, who inherits some wealth from her father and decides to become a private detective.
I only read part of the first book. I wasn’t in the mood for it at the time, so I did not continue, but the series has sold rather well. These books have been successful enough for HBO to create a show with the same title.
The episodes are filmed in Botswana, and I am guessing most of the cast is from that country as well. The lead character is played by American R&B singer Jill Scott, who I did not know could act. She, it turns out, is an excellent actress, and you will very soon forget she is American. She plays the part perfectly.
My mom has read most, if not all of the books in this series, and says some plots are based on the books, but some are not. If you have read the books already and hope the show will follow the books closely, you will be disappointed.
The show is very, very good, though. There are still bad goings-on in Africa, and some of the stories involve evil-doings by bad people, but this is a mystery show, and it is pretty tough to have mystery stories without nefarious deeds.
Going by HBO’s standards, this program is amazingly tame. No hardcore violence, no graphic sex (just some flirtation and a bit of naughty dancing in the shows I’ve seen), no amazingly-foul language, which is good! Instead, you have some very polite and amusing and smart characters, great stories, and the beautiful settings and landscapes of Botswana.
I have watched the first 6 episodes. They are at least an hour long each, and I think there are 9 episodes total. I will be renting the third disk soon. I just finished the 2nd one an hour ago.
If you want a more positive look at Africa – stories that do not have to do with genocide and the massive outbreak of aids, starvation, etc., and desire some good entertainment for the family, then I highly recommend this series.
On Sundays, there usually are several people on staff at the wildlife center, and two AWP community service workers serving their time. Today, I called to see if there was any work (there almost always is) and to let my supervisor know I’d be in a little later than usual. My hours are flexible, so this is not a problem.
She told me there were no other workers there at all today. That surprised me. I had plenty of animal care to do, so didn’t bother with data entry and didn’t mind, even though I got filthy.
The birds I took care of (cleaning out the enclosures and feeding the birds after) in the main hawk cage – 3 hawks – a red shoulder and 2 swainson’s, in a near cage, one red tail needing to be kept separate because it has avian pox (this one has been kinda mean in the past, but last few weeks has not come after me), one marshawk in its own room, 2 great horned owls in their room – they are both residents – one of them was hissing at me today.. very unusual, it almost never is that bothered by my presence – in the pond area, 2 mallards, one domestic duck, one goose, and another duck that is brown but not a mallard – I forgot what kind it is, and then a large night blue heron in its room and a small green heron in its room. I feel bad for the birds being kept by themselves. I wonder if they get lonely. Sometimes I wish I were a little less sensitive.. it is sometimes tough to work at the wildlife center, being a sensitive person and caring a lot about the animals.
I also went into the cages of our barn owl, who hisses for a variety of reasons, including just to say hello, our little non-releasable screech owl, which was asleep in her owl box, and our non-releasable kestrel, who is never happy when I enter his cage.
I fed the raptors dead mice, the ducks and goose got mash and greens, and the herons got anchovies served in water with a half of vitamin B tablet. I also gave a mouse to our tame crow, and 3 mice to our tame raven.
I fed and refilled the water bottles for our domestic rats and mice that are kept for live prey testing (although I’m not sure the people in charge bother to do that anymore – live prey testing is a way of making sure the hawks and owls can hunt live mice – that way we know they are ready to be released). We also keep some mice for the snakes. We have 2 non-releasable fairly tame snakes, and one that was brought in that is hopefully recovering. Maybe that one will get enough to be released.
Lastly, I noticed the skunk was hungry. He is still in a room in the main building, living in a play pen, because there is still work being done on the grounds near the newer building where he normally lives, and he and the other animals residing there are put elsewhere. I gave him some food and water. Maybe my supervisor forgot to do that. We have a large dry erase board with a grid listing the animals, where they are, what they are to be fed, and how much food. There is a spot for initials of staff so we know which animals have been fed and which have not. The spot next to the skunk’s name had initials, but I didn’t see any evidence of his being fed. So, to make sure, I took care of him.I had to be careful not to get close to the skunk, though, since I am not vaccinated.
After that, I swept up and did dishes and went home. It’s an interesting place in the dark – almost no light at all, but the sky was cloudy and the lights from a nearby town were reflected in the clouds and so it was not as dark out there as it has been in the past.
I got really dirty doing all that cleaning and feeding, but had fun.
I joined a free cardio class last week. It is a beginner level class, and we meet in a small, unheated warehouse on the outskirts of a neighboring town. The warehouse is almost impossible to find in the dark, and I have to battle rush hour traffic to get there.. almost a half hour drive, which takes me past a mall.. always a wonderful thing during the christmas season. Do some people actually like the christmas rush? I sure don’t! The drive is a nail-biter, let me tell you!
The class is taught by a somewhat hot mexican woman, who can dance well. She is married. The married woman from the art club is also in the class.. nothing has happened with her, which I was expecting. I decided not to flirt with her at all, and she hasn’t been flirting with me. One of the other two students is also fairly attractive, and married.. great, and the last student, single and I am not attracted to her.
C’est La Vie.
I am trying my best not to have.. lustful thoughts about any of these married women. I can’t say I am having total success in this endeavor, but I am trying. I consider this a success since I am not overcome with desire for any of these women. Having the will not to fantasize much about any of them matters. We can’t entirely control who turns us on, but we often do have some control.
It is exactly 1 am at this very moment. I just finished feeding 12 baby wood rats. No, I am not at the wildlife center at this late hour. These animals are the first I have been able to take with me for home care. Some volunteers and all those on paid staff do lots of home care. Some take home birds, and also rodents and other mammals. One of my supervisors even had a fawn living in her room with her for a little while after shift.
I’ve asked to take animals home in the past to care for, but I don’t have that much seniority, or as much experience as some others on staff, so I haven’t had a chance to do this yet.
What does home care involve and why is it done? Usually, the animals brought home are quite young. These are abandoned or orphaned animals that are brought into the center and require more feeding than would be provided during the hours we humans are at the center. For example, these rats need to be fed 4 times daily, at 4 hour intervals. They need to be taken home to make sure they get all their meals. After the animals reach a certain age when they can eat out of a bowl or dish and feed themselves when they want to, they are brought back to the center. There the animals reside until they are old enough to be released.
I am feeding these tiny wood rats with a plastic syringe equipped with a rubber tip. I am feeding them formula, but I don’t know what the formula is made of. I wasn’t told what was in it, just how to mix the powder and the water to make the liquid for the rats, and how to feed them – make sure they don’t choke and so forth.
I just looked up “wood rat” on Wikipedia (I LOVE that site!). Wood rats are also called pack rats, and the most common species is the bushy tailed wood rat. I don’t know if that is the type of wood rat that I have. Their tails don’t look bushy now – maybe they are too young to have bushy tails, or perhaps they are another type of wood rat.
These rats have an affinity for shiny objects. Let’s say a pack rat is carrying a bit of food or some other beneficial item back to its little den, and sees a coin or a small piece of jewelry.. it will drop whatever it was carrying and pick up the shiny thing and bring it home with it.
I had previously heard of pack rats, but not wood rats. I am surprised by the diversity of critters that are brought in! A couple weeks ago I learned that we have mice called “deer mice” living in the area. One of the other people on staff is feeding deer mice. They are even tinier than the little buggers I’m feeding!
Can I keep any of these wood rats? Nope. That would be against the law. It is illegal to possess any native wildlife except for rehabilitation purposes, or, in some cases, a person has a special permit. I can only keep these little guys for as long as necessary to get them off the bottle – it is estimated this will take a week or so.
It takes almost a half an hour to feed them.. actually, sometimes longer. If they are awake and frisky, it might take a little while just to get one interested in the bottle. Usually though, they are hungry and go for the formula right away. Some eat (well, drink) more than others.
I am trying to get over my worry that they will get too hungry during the night and die. This is unlikely. They need to be fed 4 times at 4 hour increments, not every 4 hours – big difference there. I worry waaaay too much!
It’s fun though, feeding these cute little rats, who have had their eyes open for only a day or so. I think they were brought into the center 2 days ago. Someone else has been feeding them up to now.
I released my first mammal on Monday. In the past, I’ve released several hawks, but never any mammals. I was under the misapprehension that rodents carry rabies. Turns out this is not true. Rabbits, rats, mice, and squirrels are not rabies vectors – if they somehow get rabies from another animal, they die quite quickly. So, even though I have not had the preventive rabies vaccines, I can work hands on with some mammals.
The animal I released on Monday was a cotton tail rabbit, which I took home Sunday night. I leave the center at around 5 pm – and these days it is already getting dark at that time. It was too dark to release the rabbit where the head boss wanted the rabbit released. She suggested a nature area aways away from where the center is located, and also at least a 20 min. drive from my house.
I drove out to the specified area, only to find it closed for another month.. so, I drove to another place I thought the cotton tail might like. That nature area was closed as well! This one, by the way, is located outside another town.. even farther from where I live. I had another idea.. another spot outside a town even farther East.. I headed over there, and encountered my third gate.. wonderful.
I kept driving, even East of that town, and found a nice little spot with a pond and some undergrowth for the rabbit to hide in. I let it out of its container. Instead of running in the direction I pointed it toward, it turned around and hid under my car. I tried to get it to move, and bent down repeatedly and walked around my car, getting on my hands and knees here and there, trying to get the rabbit to move. It finally did, and I headed home. This was a bizarre and frustrating experience.
I asked my supervisor today (well, by the calendar, I mean yesterday – Wednesday) if I could have just released the cotton tail rabbit in any random orchard, and she said, “yeah,” and I said, “.. that’s what I thought.” Oh well, live and learn.
Bird news..
The Great Horned Owl that was apparently near death on Sunday did die. I don’t know what day it passed on, though. It had almost no visible injuries, just what appeared to one of the folks in charge to be a small gunshot wound. After the owl died, a necropsy was performed (a post-mortem done on animals is called “necropsy,” not “autopsy.” I don’t know why). It turns out the owl had serious internal injuries, and was likely hit by a car.
Many of the owls brought into the center are hit by cars. Screech Owls, Barn Owls, Great Horned Owls.. these birds swoop low at night and unfortunately fly across country roads. Their injuries are not always fatal, but often are. The few Burrowing Owls brought in are usually not victims of collisions, though, as far as I know. Burrowing Owls are very small and fly very low over high grassy areas. The ones we treat are more often mauled by cats or other animals than hit by cars.
Some birds were released today. I think they were a Red Tail Hawk, a Red Shoulder Hawk, and a Cooper’s Hawk. I am especially pleased the Cooper’s Hawk was released. They are small but fast and can be mean.
One of the hawks came down with avian pox, which can be spread by insects, such as mosquitoes. This unfortunate bird was then put into a smaller enclosure, so as not to infect the other hawks. This Red Tail Hawk is a non-releasable animal because it sustained some permanent damage to one of its eyes. It will eventually be placed in a zoo. I hope it will have plenty of room there.
We now have only 3 hawks in the main flight cage – 2 young Swainson’s Hawks, and a rather fidgety Red Shoulder Hawk that needs to grow in its tail feathers before it can fly properly and be released. Surprisingly, both the Swainson’s Hawks are mellow. I had read they were more uptight than Red Tail or Red Shoulder Hawks. Concerning the birds we have, the opposite is true.
Besides cleaning out the raptor rooms, I also sprayed out the songbird cages. Almost always, the songbird cages are done earlier in the day, and I never get a chance to clean them, since I arrive later than everybody else. This was a nice change today.. especially after I cleaned up the cage with the lone Red Tail in it. And that bird behaved itself! It didn’t fly at me, just stayed put, yay!
It is our slow season right now, and not all the songbird cages are occupied, and those that are just have one or two birds in them. Our resident raven is in one of these rooms, because his main room is in a separate building, and there is sprinkler work being done out there, and that upsets the animals some – people walking around, digging holes, putting in pipes, so the animals from that building have been put in other locations. The raven is still uptight being in this other room, even though it is just as spacious. He still paces on a back perch and doesn’t feel settled.
In an adjoining cage are a crow that can’t fly yet due to needing to grow in more feathers, and a magpie that can fly but perhaps not quite good enough yet. Next to that one is a room with a dove. Doves can fly pretty quick. Some years back, I was cleaning out the dove room, which housed ten or more doves, and one flew right out at me and tried to escape. I pushed it away with my hand – firmly enough to get it to change direction, but gently enough not to hurt it.. it sure was fast!
In the two other occupied songbird rooms, there are a kingfisher, and a finch. It sure is nice to clean up in a cage where the bird is not dangerous! I like cleaning up the raptor cages, but get nervous sometimes.
We have many raccoons at the center. I don’t know their exact number, since I don’t work with them directly. That’s a job for the people who’ve already been vaccinated with the preventive rabies shots – which make them immune to rabies. It turns out a few of the raccoons came down with parvo. I don’t know much about parvo at all, except that it is a disease mammals get, and is fairly common in city pounds. It can spread through the dog and cat populations quickly in those places.
My supervisor said parvo is spread by flies – that’s how the raccoons got it. The raccoons currently at the center have been living there for awhile, and I think at least some of them are ready to be released. I am guessing that is why they were examined today. All the animals are carefully scrutinized before being let out into the wild again. Two of the younger raccoons had to be removed from the large raccoon area and placed in a smaller room. I hope all of them get better. I really like watching them once in awhile (from behind a door – I can look through a small cut-out high in one of the doors that is too small for the raccoons to get through). However, it is getting near time for them to be free again.
A snake was brought in today. We rarely get snakes. A woman walked right in with the snake – a gopher snake – in her hand. I was sitting in the lobby on a counter, halfway through a microwavable meal of shrimp etouffe, and was quite startled to see this snake-bearing woman. I took the snake from her, but forgot to have her fill out the intake paperwork – we have a form we use to get the names and addresses and other contact info from the people who bring in animals, and the rest of each form gets filled in by the person who examines the animal, and the one who signs off after the animal dies, is transferred, adopted (some domestic animals are brought in to us, and later adopted) or released.
The snake was run over by a car, but didn’t seem to be too hurt.. I handed it to my supervisor. She examined it, and put it in a tank on top of a heating pad. The snake seemed to perk up a little. I don’t know if it will survive or not, but its injury was not severe enough to put it down right away. I don’t know how a snake could be run over by a car and not be too bad off.. maybe it was run over by some lunatic kid on a bicycle?
Well, it is 1:45 am now, and my fingers are getting tired. It’s a good thing that’s pretty much all the animal news I have for you today.
Thanks for reading.
